A reader who introduced himself last week at Pearlridge wanted to bet that I couldn't come up with 10 amusing and confusing news items from Hawai'i's week that was without poking fun at Linda Lingle, Mufi Hannemann or the Legislature. You of little faith:

• Gerard Jervis was hit with a four-count indictment for allegedly ramming the SUV of four St. Louis School football players who threw eggs at his Lanikai house. The guy should have just stayed home and made an omelet.

• Councilman Charles Djou is ducking a race against U.S. Rep. Neil Abercrombie for Congress this year and instead will run in 2010, when he hopes Abercrombie will vacate the seat to run for governor. There's a term for this political strategy: Cock-A-Doodle-Djou.

• Abercrombie, meanwhile, was badgering Catholic theologians to disclose whether they consider torture to be a sin. The church was going to send a nun with a ruler to answer him.

• Vociferous Superferry opponents on Kaua'i told the state they'll continue trying to physically block the ferry from Nawiliwili Harbor no matter what an environmental impact statement says. If only their minds were as open as their mouths.

• After using his swing vote to force mass transit to skip the airport and run through his Salt Lake district, Councilman Romy Cachola now worries that noisy trains will keep his constituents awake and decrease property values. New plan: Route the train back to the airport and send limos for Salt Lake commuters.

• The state hopes 100 countdown timers installed on signal lights on Ala Moana Boulevard will make pedestrians safer. If the count gets to "3" and you hear drivers revving their engines, run. If you're too old to run, pray.

• Former University of Hawai'i football coach June Jones is late on a $400,008 payment he owes UH for skipping out on his contract early to take a $2 million-a-year job at Southern Methodist University. What, you expected him to show class now and spoil a perfect record?

• Some lolo hopped out of a cab on the freeway without paying his fare, then stripped down to his skivvies and ran off in the Moanalua Stream near Big Boy Restaurant. The dope must have mistaken the eatery for Chippendale's.

• Downtown architects are competing in an Easter egg decorating contest today. Winning entries will be thrown at Lanikai homes by St. Louis School football players.

• Primo, once Hawai'i's favorite beer, will be available again in local stores Monday for the first time in a decade. Sounds like a good excuse for a day off to get reacquainted with an old friend.

And the quote of the week …

… from Lt. Gov. James "Duke" Aiona about the importance of getting more exercise in our daily routines:

"It can be as easy as flying a kite, walking the dog or walking down the street to buy a newspaper."

He's running for governor by telling potential voters to go fly a kite? Maybe we can jump in a lake, as well, to get some swimming into the workout.